alliances and tt, i hope yall are fine. i have quite alot to say to yall but i guess i'll find some other way to say them to you guys. it was heartbreaking to see yall cry, and all i could do was to helplessly hold you guys and cry too.. i know i wasnt of much help but i really hope yall are feeling better already. yall are the better team and yall know it right. although we dint win in the end, but im really really honestly very proud of yall. and im sure everyone is. you guys were great. love yall very very much, really.

-

today just reminded me so much of my whole netball career. the last match of my bdiv competition against damai just kept replaying in my mind after i left the sports hall and it was just like what happened today. we were leading all the way and we just lost it in the last quarter. and i couldnt stop thinking bout it. and i really really felt like.. i dont know.. like shit.. like why did i freaking give up at that crucial moment, at the moment when they started catching up. all we needed to do was to hold on to the 4-point lead but i gave it up in my heart when the score became a tie. how could i, why did i, you might be asking. beats me, im some weak shit i swear. i cried for the whole damn day that fateful day. and all i could do was to isolate myself, with regrets and guilt consuming me. and having the game replay in my head a thousand times and rebuking myself for giving up, for being unable to deliver what i was supposed to. for failing to live up to the expectations of me. for being affected by the freaking umpire. i dint even deserve the faith and trust yall had in me.. and till now, it still haunts me..

and then all the what if's ran through my mind. what if i had listened to yeeleen and gone to __ instead of ac. what if i dint quit netball in ac. what if i had played my best and not give up for that last bdiv match. what if i had trained harder and be serious back in fairfield. what if i dint give up on myself last january. what if what if what if..

i just felt quite sad and shitty when i thought about all these.


"because you gave up on yourself"

"you're really wasted you know"

i have heard those lines so many times from so many people. and they dont hurt me actually. because i know i really did give up on myself. i let myself break under pressure when it was not even exactly placed on me. blame it on my weak mentality. or blame it on the fact that im a fairfield netballer and because we were so slack and had never gone through any sort of pressure or tough training, i just cant take any tough shit at all. i know i've been disappointing and im disappointed in myself too, because of my failure to rise up to the occasion and the failure to adapt and face up to challenges. i was killed by the stress and pressure in january. and my passion just disappeared as if it had never existed, just within two months of training. how loser am i seriously. i even thought of giving up netball.. that is the worst thought ever i know. when offered a confirmed space in that club that ive always wanted to play in since young, i actually replied "see how". i just thought that maybe i shouldnt even continue playing anymore. i dont even know if i can ever get back that confidence i used to have or play like how i used to. perhaps i'll never ever dare to play again cause i feel that im so not up to standard and i wont be able to live up to any expectations at all. im quite horrified by how i can just let it go like that. something that i love for 8 to 9 years. not very long, not exactly short, but almost half my life. but well, i guess i really snapped and i really lost it. i never thought i was that weak and i never thought i'd ever give up on myself, especially not in netball. but i proved myself wrong. maybe i'll never get that passion and confidence back again. maybe i'll just never play again. maybe. all the encouragements, affirmation, opportunities, and the attempts to revive my passion and instill back that confidence really were heartwarming. thanks everyone but i guess things would never be the same again. i do miss the sport, of course i do. but missing and playing is a different thing i guess. everytime i see a WA play, i wish i was the one on court playing instead. but i bet i really suck now. i dont know why im so weak mentally but i just really.. i dont know. i know i've really disappointed alot of people but.. ohwell.. i guess its all over.. people tell me where i could have been, and what i could have been. and i know for myself too. but i gave it all up cause of my freaking loser mentality and my inability to survive under stress.

im such a letdown really.

sometimes i wish i can find that confidence in myself back. if not, i'll never ever be able to play again. much less play well.. hur. im so hopeless... i should just not play anymore.

ohwell i should just go and sleep now and stop thinking already.

goodnight.