time will tell.

someone turned up at my doorstep with a bouquet of my favourite blue roses. i was dumbfounded. he asked me a whole string of questions that got me thinking. it all brought me back to the promises i made, my choices and what is happening now. maybe all that he said was true.

"maybe he loves you. but no one loves you more than i do"

speechless, i dont think i deserve any of that.

-

i spent a great deal of time stoning on friday. thinking bout stuff. feeling so down and all, i just had all the memories running through my head, with all the "what ifs" of course. regrets too, no surprise.

three hours of sleep starting from 7am on a saturday morning, and an hour of solitude at 8pm later on rendered me one moody person who sat alone in the midst of hundreds of people with a crashing mind, feeling pained, stupid, unloved and very unappreciated.

the leftover feeling of being unloved and uncared for from thursday snowballed into feelings of i-dont-know-what. i felt pretty awful from then till now. maybe all that he said was true. and the yet again reminder of the promise i made fourteen months ago just propelled me towards a certain direction. hearing all the love stories and sweet acts and all dint make me feel any better. in fact, perhaps, worse. envious, possible.

amidst the whole load of fun i had yesterday, i couldnt get it off my mind. constantly, like an hot iron rod it struck me, bringing with it much pain. i thought bout my plan and felt even more stupid. i feel so damn dumb, really. now that ive gotten an idea about my significance and worth, i wish i can turn back time. i just wanna hide under my blanket and sleep my whole life away. maybe i'll feel better that way.

why did i allow it to start, change, and fail.

and i know i always say "nothing will ever be the same again, just better or worse"
i know which it is for now.


please do not assume what or who im talking about, cause i dont think anyone knows.

alright, i recall the five-minute rule. leon, do you still remember? hah.