you know what, i just had a 12-days holiday.
and before school even ended, i was already in holiday mood.
alright, reality check.
ive never not been in holiday mood, have i.
honestly, im quite scared.
im afraid that i wont be able to promote.
staying back a year has its pros and cons.
there are reasons why i would want to stay another year in j1.
but there are reaons why i want to promote too.
i used to think that retaining is no big deal.
and since jc's only two years,
no harm staying another year.
but frankly speaking,
i hate the idea that im in jc.
i wanted to go to a poly quite badly.
but look where i am now,
stuck in a place where actually
i dont quite like.

sucks right.
i also say.

and if i dont promoto
..
ohmygod.
i think for once in my whole life.
im gonna get shit from my family.
i think they think that im a good girl.
i think they think that i'll study when i have to
thats why they never said anything when i fail.
they never ever did give me curfews or scold me for anything.
im scared to disappoint them.
but yet, i know if i promote, i dont think i'll be ready to take on A's.
like what yeeleen said, its the A's thats the most important.
no point promoting and flunking your A's.
i agree.
but yet, i do not want toretain.
i dont know if my family will start restricting me.
and im someone who cant abide by rules
or someone obedient.
and im defo not someone who can stand having her freedom discounted.
well, so now what.

i havent studied the whole year.
i know nothing.
no foundation.
zero shit.
no shit.
nothing.
empty.
tell me, who will not be scared.
and i smartly take h2 geog when i never even take geog before.
i have been procrastinating.
like marc said, i said that i would study in june
how time flies.
its already september.
promos are in less that a month.
everybodys working their asses off.
and im still going out every single day.
i am scared but i just cant forgo the fun thats right in front of me.
can i.
omg, i really do hate myself.

i
am
destroying
myself.

shit shit shit. shit shit shit. omg.

sighs. i wish im someone who can play hard and study hard.
im but some retard who just plays and eats and sleeps.
i think im pretty useless sometimes.
i cant be of any help in anything actually.
i can, to help you finish your food maybe.
people have to do my work for me.
i have to copy my work.
i owe tonnes of work.
i skip school like nobody's business.

and i know my family really believes in me.
they know that i play and play and play.
but they think that i know my limits.
they think that i know when to stop.
and when to do what.

i think i used to know.
but now, no longer.
ive lost it all.
im now, just really someone who is useless and
who just knows how to enjoy myself.

pathetic huh.

i dont want to let anyone down, especially my family.
i dont want to be the one they trust and turns out to be a major flop.
i dont want to be the useless girl who just knows how to play.
i dont want to disappoint anyone.

you know, when you know what youre capable of.
and when everyone else knows what youre capable of.
and youre not living up to your capability.
youre throwing your talent or gift away.
youre being a bigfatdisappointment.
youre being someone not appreciative.

ohdamn. ive heard so much and i know. i know. i know.
i know what i have to do.
but you know its just so hard,

"arent you scared of retaining?"

i hear this sentence more often than you'll say "im hungry"
yes i am scared. i am terribly horribly awfully scared.

but i just cant.
i just cant.
get down to it.

i feel like such a loser.
why cant i just be a freaking nerd.
in that way, i wont spend money cause i do not have a social life.
and i will always stay at home and be a good girl
and i'll study until i score straight A's.

im happy the way i am.
i really am.
except for the fact that theres exams.
and the fact that i have to sit for them.
screw the education system.
screw exams.
or maybe its just me.
cause so many other people can study.
so why cant i?
maybe cause i suck.
maybe cause ..

i dont know.
its just me.
and its just the way i work.
and its just ..



this whole post makes no sense.
i am just bloody contradicting myself.
..


I AM GOING TO STUDY TOMORROW.
AND I SWEAR THAT I WILL NOT ASK ANYONE ALONG.
AND I AM GOING TO FINISH 3 CHAPTERS OF BIO.

I CAN DO THIS.
I CAN.

it helps alot when you have amazing friends who say :
" you study? wah i almost choke on my water when i read your msg"

"you cannot study wan lah. forget it"

"the day you study will be the day pigs fly"

omg, how encouraging.

hahah retarded friends. but yet, theyre the ones who know me best and the ones who are always there and the ones whom i love.

whatever it is, i know i have a whole lot of people behind me.
keep reminding and asking me to study okay.
do not ask me out to play.
do not ask me out to study also.
cause i'll end up talking to you all the way.
trust me, i will.

from now onwards, im gonna be a full-time nerd.
no more shopping.
no more clubbing.
no more playing.
no more coming home late.
no more being on the computer.
no more tv.
no more stoning.
no more skipping school.
no more being lazy.

my resolutions for the next three weeks.

I WILL GET THRU THIS.
I WILL.
AND THEN I'LL PLAY LIKE A MAD WOMAN AFTER PROMOS.

wait for me friends.
soon, i'll party will yall again.
i cant wait.
but first, i must get thru this shit.

I MUST. I CAN. I WILL.


okay, i feel so much better now.
motivate me friends.

you can offer me tuition (:
your friend here knows zilch bout everything
and she has no tutors.
so kindly offer your help doods.

hahah. okay. im gonna turn on the nerd engine.
fire up, lets go!

study hard everyone!

HAHAHAHAHA i seriously wonder if i can make it.
oh boy, i how suck.

hahah im gonna go off now.
g'bye peeps.
taas.
have a good time muggin' yo.

im gonna be a m-u-g-g-e-r.

taas.

"if everyone says that you can, you can. you have everyone's affirmation. dont bring yourself down. cause youre much more capable than this. much much more. and you know it"